Time Capsule

Untited.

2008-09-10T13:09:00.000-07:00

I almost started crying.

I seriously really did.

I can't believe this in happening.
How could it happen to me.
What have I done to deserve this?

I never did anything wrong. Never. Never ever ever never. But suddenly my life has come to is worst. How am I going to live without him. I savored every moment, every second I had with him. And now they're taking almost all of it. I can't believe it. I'd had my heart set on dying when he graduated, that was when my world was going to come crashing down, not now. I can't deal with it. I just can't.

I feel like I'm drowning...

...and no one's coming to save me.

Becuase you still make my day...

2008-09-09T17:36:00.000-07:00

Zoinks

Bounce
Bouunce
Bouuunce

Ticktickclick

...

Boom!

Haha, I have no idea what was about. I do seem to be in a better mood now though... hm... Oh, well. Anyways, I've been kind of depressed lately. I don't even know why ether, maybe it's just that time of the month. My life is so confusing though, at least it seems that way. I know I have it better than most people. It's hard to compare myself to them though, because I've never been in their shoes, and I can't compare my pain to theirs. I just feel like the world is against me, like nothing ever goes right. Every little thing seems so hard now. I''m suddenly afraid of going to high school, scared it will be to hard for me and I'll fail out or something. I've always had good grades, so I have no reason to think this. I'm still so afraid of change.

The hallucinations have gotten worse also. I hear things sometimes, and see things out of the corner of my eyes. Christopher seems to have faded away into the back of my mind somewhere, almost like he's sleeping there. With him less active I've fallen back into my last crushes arms again, well not literally, but I really like him. I guess I probably never got over him. It's not as bad though. I think it's a better kind of love, ya know? I defiantly don't feel as sick about it anymore.

I don't feel as strong of an attraction to her anymore, not like I use to. I think not having Christopher being so strongly present is helping a lot. I mean I do still like her as more than a friend, but not enough for me to really want to tell her. For now I'm just going to sit back and see what happens there.

So yup, that's my life right now.

Blib to yah later.

Nothing Interesting

2008-07-29T22:50:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in a long time. I've had an okay summer. Nothing better than usual. I can't wait until school starts back. I really miss those people.

The best feeling ever!

2008-06-18T15:42:00.000-07:00

So I broke down lats night and messaged him back. All through the night I was killing myself for it, I felt so pathetic!

This afternoon he messaged me back when I was at work, and I was just so extremely happy to have his message that I didn't even open it for fear it would disappear. How crazy is that!

When I got home to my moms house just now, I read it. He seemed honestly glad I had sent him, and I'm so indescribably happy because of it. I had never imagined that he would reply like that, with what seemed to be so much passion. I sure hope it was real, and not me convincing myself it was. I'm to happy to think about that possibility though. This is amazing, I had forgotten what it felt like to be this happy.

*******Thank You So Much!!! I Haven't Felt This Way In Forever!!!!*******

So far

2008-06-13T21:28:00.000-07:00

*~*Why?*~*
I can't decide what to do about the mess I've created.

I had everything I'd ever wanted. I loved him. He made me so happy.

Why would I leave him? How could I make such a mistake?

*~*Killing Dreams*~*
After Nick, I was... different. I was scared of everything and I never wanted to be attached to anyone. I needed someone to talk to, but was always telling myself they wouldn't understand. I could of never imagined I would reach that state. I had always wanted to fit in, to be thin and have a lot of popular friends. I wanted him to like me the way I liked him. I stayed awake at night thinking of him and the things I wanted to do with him. The places I wanted to go, and the way our lives would be perfect together. I knew he was different than me, but I always pushed that into the back of my mind. I thought he was perfect. I loved him. How could he not be perfect?

I realize now that I had created a different person of him. Because of all my fantasies, I never took the time to notice that it wasn't him I was so in love with, it the what I had turned him into. The figure in my mind was him, but only to me. He was my greatest weakness. I couldn't live without him.

I wanted him so badly that I eventually scared him away. He thought I was a crazed and obsessed freak. I don't blame him, I acted the part. I managed to kill the one thing I needed most. He treated me like dirt.

*~*Changes*~*
I was so broken hearted, I had no idea what to do. I changed, inside and outside. My friends noticed and ask about me, but I wouldn't talk to them. I had become a completely different person. I thought differently and soon noticed that I was different from all of them. I felt alone and against the universe.

I became use to the new me, but I had to to survive. I came to see the world differently, and appreciated the people around me more than I though possible. I became friends with more people, and loved every minute of it. They are amazing and I will always love them with all my heart. They are my friends. I couldn't stand without them, much less face the world. They're different, and the old me would have judged them for it. Some of them look different, or act differently, but I enjoy every minute of my time with them.
They made me happier, but I was still heartbroken.

*~* Impulse*~*
At the beginning of that school year I had changed busses. A friend of mine had walked me to the buss and was siting the seat in front of me. She was telling me about every one on the buss. I normally wouldn't have paid her much attention, but I wanted to know who I was surrounded by. The high school doors had just opened, and I recognized Kyra as she bounced into the seat behind me. She was followed by your typical, gothic ,male, high schooler, who Kolbi described as "I know he looks gay, but he's really not." I, personally, found him rather cute, but I thought nothing more of him.

Months passed and that status changed. I got to know him better, and was soon much more interested in him. I can't remember how, but we started talking online. It wasn't long before I was bitting my nails to get out of class to the buss so that I could see him.

I had over heard that he was bisexual, which I had no problem with. I also knew he was currently dating a female senior. I knew little about their relationship, but it ended up ending in about a month anyway. I gathered my courage and sent him an email telling him how I felt. He was very polite about the entire situation, and I was beyond glad to find that he found me mature to give a reasonable answer to. He said he didn't really want a relationship, but somehow managed not to damage our friendship. We began chatting on a different site that he preferred, and his replies became more frequent. I knew that was only because he logged in to this site more often than the others, but I was still overly happy about our increase in communication.

*sigh*

Things continued on that way for a while, then I found out he was gay. He liked a guy in his school, and I had never been so mortified in my life. What was going to do? I couldn't compete with him. I was forced to do nothing, I had to sit back and watch it happen. The relationship only lasted a week, but he wasn't over the guy when it ended.

I began to realize something though.
I wasn't what he wanted, and I never would be. I now saw that. There had been hope before,but now there was none. I was only hurting myself by dreaming. As the summer grew closes I began to dread not seeing him. I was deathly afraid something would happen to him.

What if I never saw him again.

He was a weakness that was only hurting me. I knew that. I debated ending all communication with him over the summer, sort of like detox.

One night I got extremely mad and frustrated with my current situation. I was convinced that I couldn't deal with him anymore. I sent him an email stating my opinion, and the reason for my disappearing act. It took him weeks to finally read it, and I never got a reply. I was in even more pain by not speaking to him.

I have no idea what he thinks of me.

I miss him.

I feel stupid.

And I hope he can forgive me.

Please stay safe. Please. I know I'm the millionth person to tell you that I feel this way.

I only want you to be happy, to have everything you've ever dreamed of.

I will always miss you.